I was adopted.
25 years later I am now beginning the process of understanding what my adoption means to me.
One of the hardest parts has been trying to understand my birth mother’s decision to put me up for adoption. All I know is that my birth father left before I was born and that my mother walked into a Ukrainian hospital pregnant and left empty-handed.
The physical act of being let go is something I can’t remember, but I feel completely. It led me to resent my biological and adopted family because I believed I wasn’t enough.
Gradually, I have found it easier to name, nurture and accept all the parts of me that feel abandoned yet fear attachment, favor distance over commitment and fight when they long to love. I’m letting my inner child know he is worthy of the space he holds, the family he chooses and the love he receives.
These raw feelings are unique to every adoptee and birth parent alike. I share my story as a way to connect with others who, like me, have never talked openly about the emotional traumas we carry.
It’s taken me a long time to accept that my birth mother’s greatest act of love was to let me go and I hope to give voice to the question so many carry quietly: “Why wasn’t I good enough?”
-Alexander King
